Tears in my Butterbeer...

 This is my NANO (national novel writing month) so grammar is on the back burner more so then ever.  I am checking spelling but that does not mean I won't miss something... read if you want and enjoy if you can...    

Journal Entry Forty Three A:

Remus and I started working on the spell last night. It was a perfect night to start it. You don't have to have all the tracking items to start the spell, but we will need them in about a week. I am exhausted from the preparations and set up we did last night. I actually believe that Remus let me sleep for a few minuets. Because I found his school robes lain over me when I opened my eyes again. If my life was different and his life too. He keeps himself so distant because of his condition. But he is my friend and that is the way it is going to have to stay, I suppose. I am not one of those girls who does love spells. Too many consequences. I do not need to end up with puppy love (oh that could be a really bad pun... and Sirius would have loved it too and would have said it was about him.)

I feel like such a girl right now. Yes, I am a girl, I will always be a girl, but when I say I feel like a girl it is a whole other complication. It is a sense of I am fretting over a boy, or wanting to wear pink, or picking at a salad because of my weight, instead of living my life to be me.

It is a little disturbing.

Journal Entry Forty Three B:

Sayen contacted me. She will be in Hogsmead tomorrow. YEA!!!! I am so happy. It will be good to see her. I miss my friends from home. I am really happy that she was able to go on this trip with her family. Her father is a research wizard who has been studying the migration patterns of fairies. He is a very interesting man. Maybe I will even get an opportunity to talk to him this summer.

Journal Entry Forty Four:

I got to see and spend the whole day with Sayen. It was great. I told her everything that was going on. I mean she knew all of what had happened last year but now she knows what is going on this year. And she knows how much doubt I have too. I have a lot of doubt again. Doubt about what I am doing whether or not I should continue study at Hogwarts, if I should go and be with my friends at WinterWare. Sayen was wonderful through it all. I completely lost it over a pint of butterbeer. 

(Side note: I love butterbeer. I would drink it all day long if I could. It makes me feel so happy. It is almost as good as coffee. And that is saying something.)

But no really I lost it over a pint of butterbeer. I just seem to crumple. I cried and shook and raged about everything. About how I seem to be failing at school, which she said I was not that I was doing great and achieving a lot of things. How I seem to be failing my friends and bringing darkness into their lives. She said I was not doing that either. That I was bring hope by fighting my own darkness and noticing when others were getting to that same spot I was. Then she went on to say if I brought up my body image again she was going to stick me in a leather bustier, skinny jeans and silver stiletto heels and apparate me into Hogwarts main hall and see what the boys did then. At the sheer terror look that must have been across my face at that time she burst out laughing. 

“You need to figure out you 'kit.” She told me. “What you want... not what other people want. Not what I want from you. Not what your parents want from you. Not what your trouble maker boys want from you. Not what the professors at Hogwarts want from you. Not what Rei and Abigail want from you. Not even what your troupe of ferrets want from you.” At this point in time she took my hand. “No you need to figure out what you want, figure out what makes you happy and go with it. Make it happen and make the life you want.” She smiled at me. “Until then you will be unhappy and unable to move forward with life.” I know she is right. But that does not make it any easier to accomplish.

I will say we did wander around Hogsmead and I picked up some wonderful candies at the sweet shop and a couple of books at the book store too.

Journal Entry Forty Five:

The troupe glitterfid the dorm room. Dumbles told me it was because they felt it had been too long and we needed some inspiration again. So now I am sparklie. I hate being sparklie. I like sparklies but I hate being sparklie.